Selfish Confessions
(There are anechdotes and figures in this article that are not made to impress or offend, these things are just the truth about my past and how I have struggled. There is no piety in me when I speak from the bible...just an experienced walk with Christ)
If there is one service I can provide my fellow writers, it is brutal honesty without use of gratuitous profanity. Many suffer through my cantankerous nature, noticing how often I jump around with little consistency, almost as if inconsistency were my only mode of normal. The lack of enduring qualities I embody is what defines a portion of who I am. As an only child surrounded by the buzzing of adult behavior, I sought the approval of my elders from an early age without paying much mind to my child peers. Indeed I grew as a selfish Oak among the Maples (you must listen to “The Tree’s” by RUSH).
I am devoting the space of this hub to my hideous behavior, thus gifting much fat for thine enemies to chew. My fellow Christians will not like this, some will hide behind the thick leather binding of their bible, but first and foremost “I am above no man or woman.” Human nature has achieved little deviation over the centuries; we are merely exposed to the seedy underbelly with ferocious pace because of technology. Political skeletons will eventually be exhumed, as for me, I would rather go to my grave with my shoulders straight, then to have my nemesis conquer and vanquish my name in absentia.
I know what it means to lay so low, my face buried in the carpet with shame, prostrated in defeat, hollow of will, broken in spirit and lacking manly character. Tears streaming from my face fell not more than an inch from my ducts, as I try my best chameleon imitation of blending with berber. I know the pain of falling so short; I wonder why I bother opening my mouth to make contact with the world around me. I am so selfishly wrapped in delusion of fulfilling personal dreams and wants that I constantly loose sight of the prize, let alone the purpose. The work I must endure to change me is Herculean, the chains clasped about my ankles are hardened steel, fashioned from the intense fires of hell. One foot in Hades and one in paradise, I constantly balance the pains of lukewarm fury. The answer is so simple and yet so hard. Our lives blink before the erosion of mountains, and yet they stand to see failure upon century of failure; if St. Helens could be duplicated by every cloud piercing giant and grass covered mole hill, tomorrow we would all be ashen dust.
To those of a different feather, to those who berate my irrational belief in the unseen, I am a man of flesh with no less want in my loins than any evolved being. Tightly encased in my skull, I have eyes of wanton behavior and licentious examinations. Beating within my chest pumps a heart of weak measure and “what if” foreboding. A mind I have been given, a mind I have polluted the likes of which this earth hath never weighed. Such intricate design lost on such pitiful applications. With abilities out lasting the deep blue, incessant questioning of motives wreak havoc upon my desires to remain faithful in all Christian duties. I am born of no different material; my conviction does not separate me from a crowd of bread winners. All that is different in me is a choice I made some years ago. All that separates my fabric is the will to want more after this life of lowly crimes and spiritual misdemeanors. In me, I put my life in the hands of something only the winds can hear. On my own, I am no good for you, for my family and definitely for myself.
Laying all my cards on the table before you sits one idea that stops me from being everything that is held sacred among the enlightened. Only one choice pits me against the inner demons gnashing and tearing about my psychological persona. By choosing God, I choose not to enter the house of beautifully painted whores, entangling my body and damning my soul with the blood lust of sensuous scent and naked ambition. Choosing God retains my sanity in providing a warm, loving home for my wife and daughter, in place of seeking a new temporary plaything, someone who would challenge me and push my mental and physical endurance instead of my spiritual and Shepard like qualities. How easy to say no to the one who made me and yes to the one handing me the keys to over four hundred horse power, 16 way power adjustable, perforated leather seats and 6 forward gears. It is very likely that on my own I would step on my fellow man to climb the corporate ladder, saying and doing whatever it took to secure power, prestige, and higher compensation. Yes, I have desires, but I have scruples under the subset of one decision. On my own I have failed miserably, but aligned with the creator of the cosmos, I can transcend the heights of material gain. As a member of team Alpha and Omega, my priorities are rerouted and focused upon good nature, wise counsel and physical denial.
On my own, I have blown roughly $187,000 on vehicles since the age of 16; I am only 31 years old. On my own, my young family went from earning nearly 100K a year to filing bankruptcy at age 30. On my own, I turned my back on wise counsel to pursue my own path, through my own work, on my own terms only to end up riding a mountain bike as security detail during 116 degree weather to put food on the table. On my own, I have almost walked away from my marriage a couple times. On my own, I may not have lived to see today.
God had vastly different plans for me, I just had to look up. With God, I have endured the depression of lost will. With God I have overcome the temptations of flesh. With God I am earning enough money to keep my wife at home raising our beautiful child. With God I stop to take a time out with the world bustling by, I admire and absorb the complexity of this organic machine He had created. With God I can take nature walks, enjoying fresh mountain breezes, chilly snow capped peaks and crystal clear glacier fed lakes. With God I can see His patience and glory working through my wife as we raise a little girl. With God I can become a gentle leader of men, one who exudes quiet strength and resolve. With God I am never left wanting, short on change, without food, shelter, clothing and spiritual fulfillment. With God all things are possible, and with God you may find renewed strength to take on the death in sin.
Most of all, I am a different person because of the Man on the cross.
